Loving Kindness

Loving Kindness

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Enlightened Romantic Relationships (Part 4)



 (Q) What are the 2 or 3 most basic things you can tell me that will help me in creating an enlightened romantic relationship?

(A) The answer to that question varies slightly depending on what stage the relationship is in/at. I would say before the relationship even begins the most important thing, which also happens to be one of my favorite anecdotes in life, is to...choose wisely! A lot of people have suffered a fair amount of trauma in their lives, a great deal of that being connected in one way or another to the family of origin.

As we know, ones relationship with ones primary caregiver or caregivers during the formative years of development is so important in setting so many wheels of a persons life into motion. Research has demonstrated this very conclusively and for many decades. Unfortunately, it is not only the good stuff that shapes us. The problematic stuff shapes us as well. Many people had a parent or both parents or other primary caregivers whom they experienced as emotionally distant, critical, non-supportive or abusive in some or several ways. Some were having or dealing with one or more addictions or neuroticism in not fun ways. Some were actively psychotic. Some were completely absent emotionally. All of these things are extremely emotionally damaging to even the most mature, imaginative and gifted young person dealing with such realities.

Because of a whole set of psychological processes that I won’t go into right now, many people who have dealt with one or more of these factors tend to choose partners who essentially allow them to continue to work out the specific emotional dramas that were set into motion during early childhood. Imagine, for a moment, the case of two sexually abused children from two totally different families growing up and trying to emotionally deal with that particular drama primarily through the romantic choices they make. Now imagine they choose each other as partners. Even the most torrid and outrageous family based reality TV program cannot accurately portray the potential madness that would likely ensue. Yet, this is exactly the kind of madness many people are dealing with when it comes to the romantic choices they make. Subconsciously there may be a tape similar to these rolling in the background: “My father didn’t love me so I am going to find a man (or woman) who does. Hmmm, but I only know how to attract and deal with men who have similar traits as my father. Oh well. At least it will be familiar." Or, “My father didn’t love me so I am going to find a man (or woman) that is so different from my father I will never have to deal with not being loved ever again.” Or, “My father didn’t love me. So I will give some other man (or woman) the love I never received from my father. And I will take care of him, protect him, comfort him and support him through all his pain and suffering which is probably what my father was dealing with anyway and why he couldn’t love me. And when I do this, I will have a man (or woman) who will love me so intensely, he will never let me go.”

The problem with each of those scenarios is that the perceived or actual absent love from the father is the principal focus of attention in the selecting of a partner. One of the basic laws of the Universe is that we attract to us what we place our undivided attention on. So each of these individuals, in those scenarios, is likely going to attract someone who is emotionally distant, if not emotionally abusive. I have a host of similar examples. But I’m sure you get the picture. Choosing wisely is extremely important. If all of this were done consciously, we would be talking about something entirely different. Healing the wounded inner child is probably what is happening here in either case. It's just that when this is happening consciously it's so much more of a wonderful trip than when it is done unconsciously.

Choosing a partner who is similar to you in terms of emotional and psychological maturity is perhaps best for most though certainly not for all. Choosing a partner who is significantly more awakened than yourself will present enormous challenges to one of you. I’ll let you guess which one (hint: it’s not the more awakened partner). Choosing a partner who is significantly less awakened than yourself and who hasn’t done nearly as much emotional “work” as you could be very challenging for both of you or not depending on many factors.

There however, is no rulebook about these kinds of things. Grace, luck and many other factors could change the outcome tremendously. Generally speaking however, similar emotional/spiritual development between the partners seems to work best for many, again, not all though.

Factors such as biological age differences, ethnic background differences, religious differences, differences in education and socio-economic status, when emotional and spiritual development is similar, in general, is of almost no consequence. In summary: Choose wisely or better yet, choose consciously, if that is an option. After the choice of a partner (or partners—polyamory is a real option among us and can be a valid choice for some), the other things to take into consideration are mostly the things I mentioned in the previous installments in this series. Staying present to yourself and with your partner, recognizing your own stuff, recognizing the many masks your ego wears, learning the beauty of unconditional love, not creating an identity for yourself based on being “partnered” or out of your pain, will all be a part of the ebb and flow of an enlightened relationship, as the relationship itself is tested and goes through the ebbs and flows of life.

One additional thing of merit I wish to address however, is the whole concept of “until death do us part.” What a dreadful promise that is to make to ourselves or to someone we say we love. Of course, if we are wise enough to play with that word “death” and realize it could mean all manner of things other than physical death, then you’ll be fine.

The idea that a romantic relationship, especially a deeply serious and connected one, has to be a lifelong thing is #2 on my all-time list of the 100 most horrifying things we tell ourselves in/about a relationship. What is my #1? the phrase, “you complete me” or “you are my other half” or some other similar such madness.

There is a time, reason and a season for everything. Your relationship is no different. That time and season may be 100 minutes or 100 years. It doesn’t matter. Time is ultimately an illusion anyway. The only real moment in time is this moment in time. Everything else is the past or the future. Enlightened relationships exists totally in the present moment. Enlightened relationships live almost completely outside of the concept of clock time. Therefore, the present moment is the only one we need to be concerned with when it comes to our relationships. Let go of the rest. Let it go.

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